If you have ever attempted to bully yourself into doing something you thought you “should,” how did that work out for you?

Let’s explore a gentler and more effective way to set goals.

Common Goal-Setting Approach

An extensive body of literature focuses on goal-setting and change management in our personal lives and in business. Some advocate aiming for lofty goals. Norman Vincent Peale famously said, “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”

Others recommend setting realistic and achievable goals so you can be motivated by your early wins. Different models work for different folks. But whether you choose big, audacious, stretch, or SMART goals, you will likely encounter some resistance.  

This resistance can feel like a bump in the road or a mountain. It all depends on your mindset around goals.

Goals as Punishment – Don’t “Should” Yourself

It is commonly accepted that the only way to achieve positive and worthwhile results in life is to strong-arm ourselves into doing things we resist.

Add to this our collective obsession with productivity and the need to always be working on the next thing. What you get is a toxic cocktail that guarantees burnout as we grind toward goals we may feel disconnected from.

We generally expect our goals to be hard and unpleasant. When setting new goals or resolutions, we rely on discipline and willpower at the expense of genuine curiosity and self-appreciation.

The biggest mistake many of us make is setting punitive or corrective goals. We approach goals from a place of dissatisfaction with ourselves and our current state. And we set goals to fight who we are.

We fuel our goals with self-coercion. We think about everything we “should” be doing and how we are missing the mark. So, be curious about why you are setting your goals.

Are you trying to “fix yourself” or “get your life together?”

“No Pain, No Gain”

The other thing that sets up to fail is the glorification of pain. We hear phrases like “pain is weakness leaving the body,” “growing pains,” and “everything worth having requires sacrifice.”

While I agree that personal growth can be uncomfortable and challenging, we tend to extol the pain that comes with it. We set painful goals on purpose. As if the more pain we endure, the more rewarding the result. Not so.

Instead, let’s consider that hard work can feel rewarding, inspiring, and invigorating. A sudoku puzzle can be challenging and fun at the same time. Challenging and painful are not synonymous.

Also, anything different from what we are used to is, by definition, outside our comfort zone and thus uncomfortable. But the discomfort does not have to equal pain, either.

Setting goals that elicit dread is a losing proposition from the beginning. If you plan to hate every minute of doing the thing you want to do, then you never give yourself a chance.

A Better Approach To Goal-Setting

Adjust Your Mindset

If you set goals to fix yourself or your life, please let me offer you a few thoughts:

• You are perfect, just the way you are.
• You could never set another goal and still be worthy.
• Your goals will not make you more valuable. They will only make you more of who you are.

You don’t have to believe me, but maybe you can simply entertain the possibility. Suspend your judgment for a minute. What if your goals could feel intrinsically rewarding or *gasp* pleasant?

Imagine if you enjoyed them, even during their pursuit, long before reaching the end result. What if instead of “I should do X,” you said, “I would love to do X”?

Start With Self-Appreciation

Begin by noticing everything you are doing well and that you already love about yourself. Then, decide how you can take it to the next level.

How can you be even more impressive? What new things can you do to make yourself proud? Is there a new challenge you would like to conquer? What new project are you eager to take on?

The energy and feelings fueling your goals can make all the difference in your execution. Set goals from a place of liking and appreciating yourself.

Choose Goals That Light You Up

What if you approached goal-setting as self-edification, not self-correction? Again, consider that you don’t need fixing. Instead, you are rearranging things and clearing space to allow the real you to come into the light.

Set goals for uncovering and discovering yourself. You are chiseling a beautiful sculpture out of a slab or marble. Think about refining yourself, not fixing yourself.

You can build yourself up because you like yourself and want even more out of life.

Practice Self-Compassion

Once you have set inspiring goals, approach their execution as an experiment. You know where you want to end up, but you may still need to find the answers as to how to get there.

Reassess what you are doing periodically. Work on removing friction from your goal-related activities. If you find that 5 a.m. is difficult for you to do your daily workout, find an easier time. You could try to work out at lunch or right after work before you head home.

Work with your natural rhythms and your natural abilities. Prioritize consistency. Start over if you need to. When something feels excruciatingly hard, find an easier way. It may take you a little longer, but it will feel much better. What you want is sustainability.

With everything that feels like a struggle, ask yourself, “how could this be easier?” Don’t ignore the pain and resistance you feel. Work on lessening it. Build up the parts you enjoy. Make it more fun, and you will get it done.

Go Forth and Set Gentle Goals

Challenge those ingrained negative beliefs that don’t serve you. They have done very little for you in the past. What do you have to lose?

Your personal goals are yours to shape. You can choose to do this from a place of positivity, curiosity, and self-appreciation.

So, set goals that build on the great foundation that you already have. Set goals that inspire you and make you feel good about who you are.

After all, you are exactly who you are meant to be. And the world wants more of that.