It is surprising how many statements and rhetorical questions we repeat on autopilot, with little thought about their implications. Monitoring what we say for a few days can reveal some disturbing patterns we may not be fully aware of. 

An interesting aspect of being a parent is that I ruthlessly censor my comments around my daughter. 

I am not talking about R-rated words or other inappropriate comments. Surprisingly, it is mostly negativity and limiting thoughts I have to clean up from my everyday remarks because I don’t want her to internalize those ideas.

I am very mindful to instill in her the values of curiosity, openness, possibility, and positivity. But if I see these qualities as values worth upholding, why do I sometimes fail to display them in my passing comments?

If I don’t want my daughter to internalize these ideas, why do I repeat them to myself and to others?

Choose Your Statements

To harness the power of language, we must carefully choose our words and the intent behind them.

When we state things as a matter of fact, we express a certain finality. “The sky is blue” is a true statement, but it can also end the conversation. There is no elaboration needed, no invitation to introduce any new or different information. 

But in order to entertain different possibilities, we have to leave the door open for more options. To “think outside the box,” we have to start with the idea that there is more beyond the limits of the box. 

Of course, there are levels of impact to our statements. Some common phrases like “It is what it is” or Life goes on” are mostly meaningless. They are filler sentences that add nothing to our inner dialogue or conversations with others. 

But then there is another level of common expressions that seem benign but carry a sense of resignation and a hint of defeatism. “That’s just my luck,” “It was too good to be true,” “Nothing good comes out of trying,” or “This is as good as it gets.”

The last and possibly worst form of speech is self-talk, which is laced with limitations, self-deprecation, and negativity. “I could never do that,” “I am just not that smart/brave/etc. enough,” or “I am so clumsy/stupid/such a loser/failure/etc.”

When we state these things repeatedly, we are letting everyone (including ourselves) know that good things are unlikely for us and that we are limited in our capability to do well.

What’s worse, since we phrase these things as statements, our brains have no reason to argue against them. We slowly train ourselves to accept these as the norm. 

This impact of repetition is why positive affirmations are so powerful! The more we repeat something as a statement, the more we condition ourselves not to question it and accept it as true.

Unfortunately, the same thing happens when we make negative statements, usually in an effort to be funny, relatable, or to make small talk. 

Even if you don’t believe in fluffy things like the “law of attraction” or “power of manifestation,” I hope you can see how turning off your brain’s rebuttal feature can lead down the path of giving in to those ideas. 

Reintroduce Healthy Scepticism

Beyond filtering out our negative comments, it is worth exploring the impact of making statements as opposed to asking propelling questions.

Positive statements are helpful when they don’t impose artificial limits on what we believe. “I will recover from any setback” has a very different impact than saying, “I can only exercise on Tuesdays.”

At first glance, both of these statements are in the affirmative and may seem equally supportive. But notice the nuance. The first statement creates a sense of possibility and highlights my resilience. The second statement limits what I can do and removes the possibility that I could exercise on a different day. 

Now that I paying more attention to what I frequently say, I have noticed these self-limiting patterns. And when I catch myself phrasing things in a way that creates artificial limitations, I will often follow up with “Says who?”

See if you notice those patterns in these sentences:

• I am always so tired. (Is that an absolute truth? Am I always tired? When do I feel fine? When do I feel energized?)
• I can never get this right. (If something matters to you, are you really not capable of learning it?)
• I just can’t go to bed before midnight. (Unless you work a night shift, this is most likely untrue. You probably haven’t tried everything. You may have more control over this than you think.)
• I can only exercise on Tuesdays. (There likely is at least one other day that you could accommodate for some exercise. Or maybe your definition of exercise is too narrow. Does walking count? Can you do a few push-ups at any point in your day?)
• I don’t have time for my hobbies. I am too busy.  (Take a look at the screen time app on your phone. If you spend hours on social media or reading articles every week, you likely have the time. People who pursue their hobbies don’t accidentally fall into this habit; they make time for their hobbies.)

Question your Self-Limitations

A lot of things we tell ourselves create self-imposed limitations in our minds. And because of state these convictions, our brain resigns itself to accept them as true. We are effectively keeping ourselves from solving these challenges by stating them as irrefutable facts. 

The first step to overcoming these artificial barriers is to become aware that not everything we think or proclaim is true. At least it doesn’t have to be. 

We can decide, in advance, which expressions and statements we want to use regularly. Why not double down on the empowering statements that we already use?

Sometimes, we need to remove the touch of sarcasm we use to mask our discomfort with speaking highly of ourselves.

We can also work on rephrasing lackluster statements that have some potential. Simple tweaks can help us maximize their positive impact.

The next step is to actively question the veracity of these self-limiting statements. You can ask yourself: Is that true? Is there really no other way? Why do I think that? Are there examples of the opposite? What if this wasn’t true?

Getting in the habit of asking questions opens up a new world of options. A question entertains the possibility of something new. When we are looking for an answer, we let go of the idea that we know everything. 

“Questioning is not easy and may require a lot of reflection and perseverance, as well as a healthy dose of humility. In order to ask a penetrating question, we first need to acknowledge our ignorance of the answer. Questioning takes the familiar and makes it mysterious again, thus removing the comfort of ‘knowing.’”

(Julia Brodsky, Forbes)

To take this even further, we can strategically use questions to put our brains on a quest to solve our challenges and actively search for new approaches. We can transform what we say in a way that helps us uncover new possibilities.

• “I don’t have time to exercise” becomes “How can I make time to exercise?”
• “I always struggle with this” becomes “How can I improve XYZ skill over the next 3 months?”
• “I can never go to bed before midnight” becomes “What can I do to go to bed earlier?”
• “This is too hard/too complicated” becomes “What can I do to make this easier/simpler?”
• “I am feeling stuck” becomes “What would move the needle in the right direction?”

Benefits of Asking Questions

Asking questions of ourselves gets us in a reflective state. Through self-questioning, we can learn from our experiences, get unstuck, and broaden our perspective. The right questions come from a place of genuine curiosity and are devoid of judgment.

The quality of our questions affects the quality of our lives. The right questions help us explore our interests and pursue our purpose. They also open up new opportunities that would stay buried if we just followed the status quo. The more experiences we uncover, the richer our lives can be. 

Questions also create new patterns in our brains, allowing us to make new connections between ideas. This opens us up to more possibilities and makes us creative, flexible, and adaptable in various situations. 

Lastly, getting in the habit of asking questions of others can make us better communicators. When we show genuine interest in other people’s experiences and perspectives, we connect with them better and expand our understanding of the world.

Parting Words and a Question

The words we speak repeatedly matter. Choosing them carefully and with the right intent can change the way we navigate our lives. Repetition slowly shapes our beliefs.

The wrong statements presented as facts can limit our possibilities and close off avenues for new information and perspectives. But even positive statements can be limiting by inadvertently dismissing other options. 

And so, to explore our greater potential, we need to actively reintroduce a good amount of healthy skepticism into our thinking. 

Asking propelling questions helps us overcome self-imposed barriers, challenge self-limiting beliefs, broaden our perspectives, and uncover new approaches. 

A healthy habit of questioning facilitates our personal growth and can enhance our communication skills and deepen our connection with others. 

So, I’ll leave you with this question:
If a young, malleable mind was paying attention to your every word, what would you want her to hear you say?